Spinning Up

And Then Swinging from the Emotional Rafters

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Okay, true confessions. I don’t always know what the magic is.

I called this newsletter What Magic? not Here’s the Magic You Need On a Platter. I do not have a straight line to that, though I wish I did.

On days when the sun is out or the birds are singing, its not hard to be captivated by potential. Cultivate openness on an ordinary walk, and your brain will go places, stimulate the muses. Pair that with close observation of your surroundings and inclination to pause or engage in ritual, and anyone can find magic, right?

But it’s February, life is messy, and people are complicated. And so, so much is outside our control. It’s common to find oneself on a treasure trail of sorts, where the persuasives and cheerleaders, even the champions in your corner, send you spinning up into some imagined wonderland that doesn’t actually materialize.

And then you swing, discombobulated, wondering what next.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Remember Wille Wonka’s “Fizzy Lifting Drinks” from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I’ve taken that ride, time after time, when the prospects of going somewhere career-wise, achieving some sort of milestone, or seizing adventure have sent me, dizzily light-headed, into anticipation of great things.

But more than once - many times actually - such spinning up has led to something neither real nor lasting. When reality hits, the reverberations often shake harder than if the possibilities hadn’t opened in the first place.

So, I’ve been questioning, um…What Magic?

No one calls creative venturing easy. Sometimes the muse is exhausting. You can dig and dig, and find only a glimmer of inspirational promise. You might grasp a little magic, then lose your grip.

Two weeks ago, I was up for the All of life, because the magical possibility of agent representation was in my pocket, ballast for the storm. As it turns out, my contract - a touchstone of hopeful perspective during a season of decidedly difficult things - was no protective amulet. It amounted to spin.

Much like a couple of job offers in my past; an anticipated move that remains just out of reach; relationships that have disappointed; promises made but not kept; we all have stories of hopes dashed, fast-moving disasters of one kind or another.

Where or what is the magic when expectations implode?

Photo by Evan Dennis on Unsplash

I forgot how dizzy a spinning up can leave me. It’s disorienting, hard to move forward. After the bottom falls out, all that’s left is deflating desire. But as St. Augustine averred, “That is our life, to be trained by longing.”

Is there magic in the longing? In the training? In the fact that there’s something more to learn, see, or experience than the thing I expected in the first place?

It isn’t fun to face your vulnerability. Hope is a shiny temptation, more complicated than it seems. But is it good? (For a challenging take, see this essay by environmentalist/activist Derrick Jensen).

And what about that frustrating capacity to forget past spin-ups? Could it be better to remain guarded, self-protecting, cynical about the primrose path of opportunity?

Sadly, and gladly, hopeful openness is not something I want to lose.

So, I’ve been taking in advice:

Systems are better than goals - James Clear

Ambition without action leads to anxiety - Stuart White

Art is sustenance - Brooke Adams Law

Unused creativity is not benign - Brene Brown

You should have ideals, but you cannot only love an idealized future, you must cultivate a love of effort, too - Simon Sarris

I think there’s some magic in all of this. Take what sparkles for you.

When I’ve picked myself back up out of disappointment, I will too.